The following is a post I shared on my business Facebook page, but I thought I would share it here, too.
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed I caught myself in an old habit: going over the checklists in my head.
The first, a checklist of what I didn’t get done, what I am behind on.
The second, a checklist of what needs to be done soon, what was added to my list today or recently.
The third, a list of things I should be doing to be going in the direction I would like to go, to reach my goals. All three lists add up and then I find myself wandering onto other list…things I would like to do with or for my family, my animals, my friends, projects around the house and on the property.
I think about how tomorrow I would like to take a chunk of time off to spend with my family. I had a cancellation in my schedule and I blocked out the rest of the time for rest. I even turned down working with a client I really enjoyed to stick to this. While it was uncomfortable doing so, I was happy.
Then all the old, and unfortunately all too familiar voices, start chiming up in my head.
By this time, I am starting to realize the physical effect my mind is having on my body. The tense pit of my stomach, the tightness in my shoulders, holding my breath. I take a deep breath, then another, then a third. I start to counter all the critical thoughts, holding my ground. I can feel myself relaxing and while the stress is not completely gone, I am feeling a lot better.
I wish I could work myself through this process when I was in my twenties. I thought about how I would have these crazy productive streaks, followed by being tired and slow, but stuck with a schedule (that I had given myself) to continue. I would beat myself up, not understanding why I couldn’t be that productive 1000% of the time. Instead of understanding myself, I sought to make changes, but in the wrong direction. I would think, how can I change myself so I’m not so lazy? How can I get better organizational skills, time management skills, become a morning person, accomplish so much more….the list goes on. And each time I would try to implement something and it would fail, I would come crashing down to thinking I was lazy, stupid, a fraud, an imposter, a failure.
I’ve done a lot of work for myself, and will continue to do so, to understand who I am, what I need, what I want and how to go from there.
I had to learn I am not a machine. My productivity can come in phases, but if I don’t follow that with rest I will burn out. I had to learn that while there were improvements I could make on myself, that I had to accept myself for where I was in the moment, that where I was and where I had been wasn’t bad. I had to forgive and accept myself for that. None of my “failings” were weakness in moral code, I wasn’t a bad person because I wasn’t as organized as I would like to be and I hated mornings.
I’m so grateful for my support group of family, friends, even clients who have helped me with all of this. I am grateful that I got the therapist I did. I’m so grateful for the ideas I’ve heard about, the podcasts I’ve listened to, the books I’ve read to help me with these thoughts. I’ve learned a lot about anxiety, ADHD my insecurities. I used to think those were just excuses, but I’ve discovered the more I learned about those, the more I could help myself-even if just removing shame around those things.
Don’t think that I’ve got these things figured out because I’ll be the first person to tell you I don’t. But I am so grateful for the tools that I have now, the support that I have, the access to information that has been so helpful and honestly-I am so grateful that I’ve had the privilege to be able to work on myself. I do think wellness is a privilege.
Honestly, I’ve wanted to write more. I’ve wanted to share more. So I am going to post this tonight. At a time that is actually well past my bedtime, without editing and overthinking. Instead of saving this in a draft on my computer that will never be opened again, I am going to post this to Facebook.
So, if you have managed to read this whole thing, first of all, thank you. I will say that for the most part, my clients are the best clients and have always been so kind and supportive on posts. I do want to make it clear, this is not a post asking for sympathy. If you feel inclined to comment, I would be happy to hear your thoughts on this of course, but I would like to hear you comment something positive about yourself, something that you did lately for rest and relaxation, a part of your self care routine, anything.
As for me, I am happy that tonight, I am not spiraling. I am proud of myself and grateful for some new understandings. I’m grateful that I am starting to put those understandings into action. I am grateful that tomorrow I get to spend time with my family.
